i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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