I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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