I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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