I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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