maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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