Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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