why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
