drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
