I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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