barbara walters just said penis...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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