I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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