Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
