We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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