He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
