I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
