When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
