I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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