no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
