just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
