There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
even my farts smell like vagina
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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