Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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