Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
