We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
