and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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