Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
