umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
