Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
