Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
