U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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