even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
