I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
