so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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