wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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