I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
