his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
