i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
