what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's never too late to be topless.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
