Got a toothbrush?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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