I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
