if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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