yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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