the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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