My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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