I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
then he tried to convert me to islam
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
