fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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