dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
