I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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