Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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