if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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