Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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