i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
farters have to be the big spoon...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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