I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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