vagina is talking i cant
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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