Pants 0. Shit 1.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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