Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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