So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
