so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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