i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
