giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
