found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
