Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
