chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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