go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
